Dear Leader Trump, 

***

As an attendee at the Jan 6th riots in 2021, I would like to claim my pardon.  

No, you did not realize I was there, nor did anyone else that knows me, and that was by design.

By whose design, mine, God's, or thine?

I guess we'll never know for sure and that's how you like it, so who am I to ask critical questions?

As you know full well now that you've seized all the documents related to that day, of the more than 8,000 citizens who participated in the riots, fewer than 1200 of us ever faced justice in the courts.

A reasonable person would ask, considering what a historic crime our little tourist visit to the capitol turned out to be, how could so many of the perpetrators remain unknown?

I guess those efforts on our part to violently impede the process of a federal election paid off after all! 

That's because so many of us wore masks and disguised ourselves in order to evade the justice that we knew would surely follow, given our obviously criminal intent.  

***

I have enjoyed complaining about mask-wearing libtard commie-bastard ANTIFA in Portland, Seattle, and Oakland, but when it was time to commit crimes myself, it seemed as if discretion would make the better part of valor.

I have attached to my formal petition 5 images, at least 3 of them could actually be me.

You can see my smudgy face in the crowd.

That's me in the coonskin hat with a bone sticking through my nose and chew dribbling down my chin.

I realize that description only helps narrow it down a little, but I have confidence that with your little hands and your unfailing correctness about everything you ever say, that you can point me out for yourself.

***

When I scrunch my nose like that it makes me look angry, but actually I'm just responding to the body odor from the Texan next to me.

Someone needs to teach those people how to bathe!

How I remember the unwashed smell that wafted off of our thousands-strong mob-militia that day!

To call it a pungent reek doesn't quite capture the spice of their centuries old staleness.

As I look back on that day I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes not because I'm sorry for what I did but because of all the irritants in the air.

I told that dumb sack of shit from Alabama to watch where he was pointing his bear spray!

To my left I could see one of the moms for liberty from Pennsylvania scrambling up the side of the fountain.

I think she was trying to wave a flag or something right before she fell in.

***

By the time I was able to bust out a window of the Capital building, I had been standing on the mall all day long - something my fat, lazy, uneducated ass just wasn't prepared for!

I mean seriously, where else was I supposed to piss and shit by then?

You know what it's like - When you have to go, you have to go, whether it's in the United States Capitol Building or a Moscow hotel room!

All I'm trying to say is, I really needed to pee after your rally at the Ellipse.

We weren't a raging insurrectionist rabble by the time I got inside as much as we were the bathroom line from Hell.

***

Just because I never got caught and never had to face justice for my crimes doesn't mean I don't deserve to get off scot free as much as the next putrid redneck.

I was there and no one can prove I wasn't, or else no one has bothered to prove that I wasn't, and if that's not an endorsement for living so alone that people can't say where you've been for days at a stretch, I don't know what is!

I tell you I deserve a pardon for participating whether I participated or not, the same way I don't have to know for certain whether you REALLY won in all 7 swing districts this last go-round.

Naw, I heard that if you flip a coin in the air and it comes up head 7 times in a row, it might be two-bit Trumpcoin, which I thought was SO RUDE!!

Anway, I want to be able to shove it in people's face after I receive my pardon, so how do I go about formally petitioning for it?

If you need me to prove that I was there, I challenge you to prove that I was not!  

But once you give me that pardon I so richly deserve, I probably won't advertise it too much.

Not sure whether you're aware of this or not, but some of them Democrats seem rather angry all of the sudden.

***

The photographs of myself and my fellow masked marauders still exist and (among some, at least) it would seem we will be hounded forever by self-appointed citizen do-gooders intent on meting out justice to those they would call 'vile seditionists'.

I tried to explain to this Granola-munching Quaker that, actually, you can't be a seditionist if your own President tells you to sedition yourself and you're especially not a seditionist if you do it real fast before anyone can stop you. 

He's the Commander-in-Chief for a reason, I tell them, and then I explain that you're also my messiah, and that usually shuts them up.

When that doesn't shut them up they sometimes suggest that I should be hanged like was done in the good old days, but I don't remember hearing anything about that in middle school, so it's probably just more fake news.

So much for country schooling!

***

Besides, it raises a sort of existential conundrum, doesn't it?  

I mean, if I'm guilty of sedition and the punishment for sedition is hanging, and I'm also the true patriot then - what are they suggesting, that I hang MYSELF??

hahaha  Yeah, I guess all Jan 6 traitors should just go off and hang themselves!  pfffft!!

You should have seen the look this guy gave me when I said that - as if he didn't get the joke!

He was like, 'If you were one of those vile seditionists and you don't have a pardon, then you could still be considered culpable for your crimes.'

To which I was like, 'PSHAW!' - no, literally, I said 'PSHAW!' - 'but that would mean that approximately 7500 American citizens who participated that day should be considered subjects of frontier-style, citizen-posse, vigilante justice!'

‘Why,’ I says to this durn libtarder, ‘that's the recipe for real bloody chaos in this country!’

I thought he was gonna laugh that off also, but next he just walked away.

And I thought the walkaways were on OUR side!!

***

Anyway, if I could get that pardon from you soon, it sure would help to keep those woke hardasses off my case. 

Seriously, if we thought the left was something to fear before, there's no telling what they might do to us now.

We never could have been so successful at wreaking so much mayhem if it had not been for your visionary leadership, as you fully know, because everything that happens happens because of you.  

If you ever feel like letting the rest of us in on what exactly you're taking in order to see all that trippy shit in front of you that you seem to see, I bet you could bottle it and overcharge like usual.

***

Thank you for offering me the chance to step out of the shadows where I've been hiding like a sub-human cockroach ever since I disgraced my own country on Jan 6, 2021.

I know that thousands of my fellow patriots - and I mean the REAL patriots now, the ones who know that to break a few entitlement systems, you might have to bash a few cops - would join me in applying.

The statistical likelihood that among those thousands of pending applications you'll find people more likely to have attended than me is probably higher than Don Jr. gets when he inhales the white powder.  

(Or is he inhaling white power?)

But seriously, who wouldn't want a souvenir Trump pardon for being there that day, even if they weren't really there that day?

It's going to look great hanging in the back window of my ugly-ass, disgusting behemoth of a pickup-tank.

Right between a sticker that reads 'No Guns, No Guts, No Glory' and Calvin pissing on the Constitution.

While to some I may seem forever like a worthless traitor to the American experiment, I know you'll always have my back, because you're just like me!

I gratefully accept the pardon you offer and now that I won't have to take shit from anybody anymore for anything I have to say to anyone, guess I'll just keep it in the double-wide.

***

I leave you with this reminder which, as it has to do with morality, I would expect you to know nothing about:

"An army of principles can penetrate where an army of soldiers cannot."

- Thomas Paine-in-your-ass